Helping Girls Grow Up in Public, with Confidence + Character
In today’s world, our kids are growing up with an audience. Every post, photo, and message feels like it matters. And, for many tweens, that can be both empowering and terrifying.
In her powerful book, Growing Up in Public: Coming of Age in a Digital World, author Devorah Heitner explores what it means to raise a generation whose childhood is documented online, and whose sense of identity is shaped under the gaze of social media followers, parents, and peers.
The Pressure of the Public Eye
Heitner doesn’t demonize technology - instead, she reminds parents that our kids’ digital lives are their real lives. She encourages us to shift from surveillance to support: to stop obsessing over what might go wrong online, and instead focus on nurturing the kind of character that helps kids make wise, empathetic choices.
One line that stands out: “When kids feel trusted and guided — not monitored — they make better choices online” (Heitner, 2023).
That message hits home for parents who want to protect their tweens without micromanaging every click.
Identity, Privacy, and Authenticity
Heitner highlights the unique identity struggle for tweens during a time when they’re figuring out who they are and how they want to be seen. Social media turns that normal process into a public performance.
But the antidote, she argues, isn’t to shut it all down - it’s to help kids build inner resilience and authenticity so they can handle external judgment.
That’s exactly the philosophy behind veri cheri: teaching girls to value who they are on the inside, not how they appear online.
veri cheri POV
At our events, we intentionally create space for girls to express themselves freely.
We know some of the items they take home are about how they look - lip gloss, nail polish, etc. And that’s okay. Caring about how we look can be fun and creative.
Our goal isn’t to deny beauty - it’s to reframe it. We want girls to use those items with choice rather than obligation, so the mirror becomes affirming, not defining.
In that context, beauty isn’t something they have to achieve. It’s something they already have, and they can choose to highlight it however they want. That’s what veri cheri is all about: pairing the fun of self-care with the freedom of self-acceptance.
When girls see that both can coexist - that they can love a sparkly lip gloss and know their worth runs deeper - that’s when the magic happens.
Takeaway for Parents
Three of Heitner’s ideas that align beautifully with the veri cheri mindset:
Help build your tween’s judgment. Instead of monitoring, guide her. Let her make low-stakes mistakes and talk about them.
Focus on character, not control. While monitoring has its place for safety, it becomes harmful when it replaces trust and guidance.
Celebrate who she is offline - and in private. Remind her she’s more than a profile… she’s a person in progress.
Raising tweens isn’t easy. When we model authenticity, empathy, and self-worth, we teach our girls that being seen isn’t the same as being defined by others.
What’s one way you help your daughter feel seen beyond her feed? Share this with a friend who could use the reminder.
Book Recommendation:
Growing Up in Public by Devorah Heitner — a must-read for any parent navigating the tween years in the digital age.